Aldershot

Chieftain tank, Aldershot, Aldershot Military Museum
A tank stands guard over the car-park at Aldershot Military Museum

Aldershot is a nondescript, slightly down-at-heel sort of town with a huge feather in its cap. Ebenezer Howard, father of the Garden City movement, would have been very proud.

From close to the centre (undergoing development) of the town a boulevard heads off towards Farnborough and barely deviates for almost two miles. To either side are smart residential developments, recreational greenery, sports fields, a cathedral, administrative buildings and a museum or two. This is where the British Army pitched its tents in 1854.

To fully appreciate Queen’s Avenue, it’s best to approach it from the south. In fact in January 2023 that was the only likely approach – access from the A331 at the northern end was blocked off, and the diversion signs were not entirely reliable. Besides, from the south you’ll have seen a little of Aldershot by the time you get to Queen’s Avenue and you’ll be ready for something better.

A visit to the Aldershot Military Museum will take you up most of the length. On the way, to the left opposite the stadium, you’ll pass a series of playing fields on which I turned out in midfield for the Powell Duffryn Computer Services XI in 1977. The game was briefly interrupted by descending parachutists.

The Military Museum is a modest affair: three sheds, really, with a variety of vehicles drawn up within and without. One of the sheds was used by Montgomery and shifted to the present site. One or two of the vehicles look as if they might be of similar vintage.

The first shed is devoted to local history, and particularly the importance in the area of an émigré French dynasty. Napoleon III’s widow lived close by after the disaster of the Franco-Prussian War and the loss of her young son. The property was previously owned by the Longman publishing family. Samuel Cody, pioneering aviator and a relative of Buffalo Bill, is also celebrated. Aldershot only really enters the picture with the arrival of the Army.

The second hut tells the story from 1854 onwards, in slightly piecemeal style. It’s nicely laid-out: considering the limited amount of space available, it never feels crammed. And there’s plenty for kids to do: a crawl space, replica vehicles, dressing up and, outside, a junior assault course. Connoisseurs of mannequins will appreciate the quality of the eyes on the Military Museum’s models – these things look as if they’re welling up.

Outside, tanks and armoured cars and something as ordinary as a Bedford truck complete the displays, although in the area that serves as ticket office, café and gift shop there’s a demonstration of rifles. It is, as noted, modest, and slightly touching as a result. This was, after all, a central cog in the functioning of the British Empire.

Aldershot, statues, galloping horse
Military statuary in the square in front of Princes Hall: in the foreground, a horse galloping over a symbol of a bailey bridge, and in the background a Ghurka carries a comrade to safety

Elsewhere in the town, military history is recorded in different ways. Pub names, for example: the one across the road from the football ground is called The Crimea. And statues: in front of Princes Hall is a patch of grass with statues of a para, a Gurkha rescuing a soldier and a horse galloping across a bailey bridge. Further from the centre is a famous equestrian statue of the Duke of Wellington.

Buddha, Aldershot
A Buddhist community centre has the football ground as a neighbour – there’s a floodlight just visible top-left

During the Oldham game a number of curious things happened. Most involved the referee.

At one point he left a blob of spray for a free-kick and went to mark the line 10 yards away for the defensive wall. Behind his back the Aldershot full-back Ollie Harfield scooped up the blob in his hands and moved it a yard forward. The referee, perhaps alerted by the outraged howls of the fans, put it back… but did not book Harfield. It’s only cheating, after all… Later, however, he booked Oldham striker Mike Fondop for accidentally running into an opponent at a restart. We wondered whether Fondop should perhaps be substituted, partly to avoid the risk of a sending off and partly to get the pacey Timmy Abraham on to the field. The referee saw that coming, and for no obvious reason booked Abraham as he was warming up on the far touchline.

And the Oldham goalkeeper, Magnus Norman, saved a penalty hit very hard straight down the middle. He simply stood his ground, parried the ball upwards and caught it. Was this a lucky guess, or had he done his homework on the Aldershot penalty-taker? Either way, it was a wonderful save.

Aldershot Town 1 Oldham Athletic 1
EBB Stadium, 28 January 2023

Maidstone

Lady Godiva
The Maidstone Godiva: shy and vulnerable

There’s a rather moving sculpture of Lady Godiva in the Maidstone Museum. Your first reaction is to wonder: “What is it – she – doing here?”

And if you’ve seen the Godiva in Broadgate, Coventry, you’ll be struck by significant differences and another question. “Does this woman – girl, really – come from the same story?”

The Maidstone Godiva – let’s call her the Maid – is pale and marbled (in plaster, actually), slightly larger than life-size, on a horse of course but also mounted on a plinth and therefore hard to miss. And the first thing about her that you can’t help but notice is how grateful she would be to be missed. She is clearly self-conscious and even the horse’s head is bowed.

The Maid is vulnerable and unhappy. Her eyes are closed, her head is lowered. Her right hand supports her forehead and helps to bring her long flowing locks into a defensive curtain. Her legs – she rides side-saddle – are interlocked where the toes of her right foot curl around her left calf, perhaps for balance, perhaps for security. Her hair obscures one side of her face and cascades across her lap. Her left breast – indeed the left-hand side of her body – is exposed. The horse looks powerful but restrained, as if sensing the rider’s distress.

The Coventry Godiva – Diva, let’s say – is in bronze, also larger than life. She is much more recent – mid-20th century, where the Maid is Victorian. She has a name; the statue is called Self Sacrifice, having always been intended for prominent public display. Equally oddly, for almost 20 years of her career in central Coventry she sheltered beneath a canopy.

The Diva rides side-saddle but sits upright. She looks ahead, expressionlessly, making no attempt to conceal herself. Her left hand touches the reins, her right stretches out behind her to steady herself. She seems proud of her body and, if not at ease, not entirely uncomfortable.

The Diva’s hair, as long as the Maid’s but straighter, frames her face and falls across her left breast and between her thighs, which are parted. Her posture on the prancing horse looks precarious.

Both are young. No doubt they were betrothed – a deceptively gentle word – at an early age. Godiva, an 11th century Anglo-Saxon, is said to have been the wife of Leofric, Earl of Mercia. She appealed on behalf of the townspeople of Coventry against a tax Leofric proposed. He accepted her plea, on condition that she ride naked through the streets of Coventry. The townsfolk undertook to stay indoors behind shuttered windows, in solidarity with her. A tailor called Tom drilled a hole in his shutters and became the original Peeping Tom.

The story seems contrived and unwholesome, like an upskirting shot on the Internet. Leofric, Tom and even the sculptors take a timelessly prurient interest in what the tabloid era would call ‘posh totty’. Godiva may actually have been young, beautiful and completely naked, but in essence she is another stereotype of an era when story-tellers were exclusively men.

But if sniggering at a glimpse of female nakedness is the topic, it would be dishonest not to identify the artists involved. Their names belong to a particularly English linguistic tradition. The Maidstone Godiva is by John Thomas (1813-62). The Godiva stepping out in central Coventry is by Sir William Reid Dick (1879-1961).

Maidstone on the Medway
Maidstone: a historic Medway town

Maidstone United, a Football League club from 1989-92, play on a 3G artificial surface at the Gallagher Stadium north of the town centre. It’s a short walk from Maidstone East railway station.

But if you arrive by train – or any other way – take a walk down through the centre of the town and back along the River Medway. Through Brenchley Gardens there is, as noted, an excellent local museum and art gallery. At Jubilee Square, the town makes a transition from a rather characterless shopping area to an authentic medieval quarter. The Archbishop’s Palace dates from the 14th century – the last time Oldham Athletic won two matches in succession – and was the residence of Archbishops of Canterbury. Across the Millennium Footbridge, a riverside walk will take you northwards towards Whatman Park, where another footbridge brings you out alongside the football ground.

Maidstone United 0 Oldham Athletic 0
Gallagher Stadium, 19 November 2022

Maidenhead

The town now known as Maidenhead may have been known to the Romans as Alaunodunum. But we only have the word of ‘a 16th century antiquary’ for that, and when historians refer to antiquaries you can bet they mean amateurs.

Maidenhead, Thames, Boulter's Lock, river, fishing
The Thames at Maidenhead

Alaunodunum or whatever it was may subsequently have been visited by Vikings. The evidence for this is that Danes sailed up the Tamesis before disembarking and establishing a stronghold at Reading. Alfred the Great turfed them out, making Maidenhead safe once more.

In medieval times Bristol, as a port facing the Atlantic, became the second city of the country. Maidenhead was on the route. When Brunel built the railway in a very straight line straight through it, the town’s future was assured.

Isambard Kingdom Brunel… it’s a name to conjure with. Isambard was the middle name of his French father, Marc; Kingdom comes from his mother’s maiden name. He lived to be only 53 but much of his legacy remains in daily use.

The Maidenhead railway bridge is an example. Immortalised in JMW Turner’s Rain, Steam and Speed, it crosses the Thames to the west of the town. Two main arches of 128ft meet in mid-stream on a small island. The arches were the flattest ever attempted, for their extent, and the nervous owners of the Great Western Railway asked that the wooden supporting structure used during the bridge’s construction be left in place, by way of insurance. Brunel acceded, but lowered the structure slightly to leave his brickwork to its own devices. The wood was later washed away by floods; the bridge remains.

Maidenhead, Maidenhead Town Hall, fountain
Civic buildings: the Town Hall

Just a couple of hundred yards upstream is the road bridge that carries the A4 over the river. In the old coaching days, a wooden bridge replaced a ferry on the road to Bath and the west out of London. Maidenhead grew up as a place at which travellers rested, stayed overnight, had a meal etc, while the teams of horses on their coaches were changed. In one instance, apparently, the ostler of an inn was the same individual who would have held them up had they been foolhardy enough to press on through Maidenhead Thicket after dark.

The stone road bridge built in the Georgian period also inspired art. Jacques Joseph ‘James’ Tissot painted a rather lantern-jawed young lady disembarking on the north side of the bridge in The Return from the Boating Trip. It’s not his best, if you ask me, and the young lady doesn’t look greatly impressed either.

And another quarter mile upstream is the scene of a third painting, Edward John Gregory’s Boulter’s Lock, Sunday Afternoon. This depicts many, many pleasure craft of the late Victorian era approaching or leaving the aforementioned lock. Very few of the boaters are looking what they’re doing and one blogger has suggested the painting might be a poster for a Water Safety campaign. The original is in the Lady Lever Gallery on Merseyside; you’ll find a copy in the Maidenhead Heritage Centre, between the football ground and the town centre.

Maidenhead, Maidenhead Heritage Centre, ATA, Spitfire, flight simulator
Maidenhead Heritage Centre: a Spitfire simulator will put you through your paces

The Heritage Centre is quirky and very attractive. Downstairs, carefully laid out to make the best use of limited space, is a cute little local museum. Pride of place goes to an early motor car, from a time 100 years ago when Maidenhead led the world in automatic transmission. Upstairs, for a small fee (£3.50 in 2022) is a very sophisticated Spitfire flight simulator, featuring a cockpit, multiple screens and an instructor who uses appropriate lingo – “let’s try a roll-out now”. With surrounding exhibits it commemorates the Air Transport Auxiliary, a WWII civilian initiative set up to move military aircraft around. The ATA had its headquarters two miles away at White Waltham. It was supposedly unique in recruiting women pilots and giving them equal pay. That’s as maybe; while I was there, the people trying out the simulator were men of my age. I didn’t join the queue – I had a substandard football match to go to.

Maidenhead United 1 Oldham Athletic 1
York Road, 8 Oct 2022

Bromley

Bromley, Owl Prowl, public art, Amanda Quellin
Owl Prowl: a Bromley attraction in summer 2022. This one is called Nocturnals, by Amanda Quellin

Oldham Athletic’s descent into the National League obliges me to face my own prejudices. They came most sharply into focus recently as I walked through Bromley, looking for something to say about it.

But if I found Bromley characterless and uninteresting, and if I expect to react in much the same way to Wealdstone, Dorking and others, I should perhaps try to see Oldham through the eyes of supporters of those clubs. When Bolton Wanderers’ first taste of European competition was against Lokomotiv Plovdiv in the UEFA Cup in 2005, ticket sales were initially disappointing. Plovdiv, it was suggested in the UK press, were not the most attractive opponents. Nobody thought to ask residents of the cultural capital of Bulgaria how they regarded the prospect of a trip to Bolton.

Bromley, Charles Darwin, HG Wells, Market Square, public art, murals
The Darwin mural, Market Square

In Bromley, I wandered idly up the High Street, along West Street and back down East Street where, to pass the time, I ate an outstanding pie in the Cow & Pig. The route brought me back to Market Square, where echoes of a more bucolic past go beyond the name.

First, there’s a municipal water pump on the eastern side. Behind it, occupying a three-storey gable end, is a mural devoted largely to Charles Darwin.

Darwin, depicted as a younger man than the Biblical white-beard we are familiar with, is sitting beneath a tree. He appears to be taking notes. References to his accomplishments are recorded at intervals across the foliage. Darwin lived at Downe, a few miles away.

There are nods to other notable locals. The trail-blazing archaeologist John Lubbock is a small figure in the distance to Darwin’s left; and emerging from the upper left of the tree is HG Wells.

Wells was born only a stone’s throw away, on Bromley High Street, and this same wall had previously been adorned with a mural celebrating his work. Wells may no longer merit his own mural but the site of his birth – now Primark- has a blue plaque. This isn’t a National Heritage plaque – that one is close to Regent’s Park – but it indicates the abiding popularity of the author. At least 11 plaques, in various colours, record the presence of Wells at various stages of his life in places as far apart as Sevenoaks and Stoke-on-Trent.

Bromley, Picturehouse, Art Deco, cinema, architecture
Bromley Picturehouse: a six-screen Art Deco cinema beautifully restored

It would be dishonest, though, to leave the subject of HG Wells without noting that he didn’t appear to be particularly fond of Bromley. He might also have found the rest of the town’s literary heritage decidedly middle-brow. Enid Blyton lived for a time on Shortlands Road, recorded by another non-EH blue plaque. Richmal Crompton, creator of William, lived the last years of her life at Bromley Common. But more recently Hanif Kureishi was born and grew up in Bromley.

At the match, the question of whether Bromley was or was not dull became entirely moot. The only relevant fact about Bromley that afternoon was that it had a much better football team than Oldham. Onwards and upwards? Not necessarily…

Bromley 3 Oldham 0
Hayes Lane, 24 Sep 2022

York

York Minster, York, city walls, tourism

There’s something appealing about a city you can walk round. York is especially undemanding in this respect, being girt by an almost complete circuit of city walls. You can literally walk around York in about two hours.

The walls give you an elevated view of some of the city’s other attractions. On the southern side there’s one of the most conical castle keeps you will ever have seen; on the southwest the magnificent railway station, the largest in the world when it opened in 1877; and along the west side the Museum Gardens and the Minster.

York, Monkgate, city walls, fortifications
Monkgate: one of several magnificent bars and gateways around York’s walls

From time to time the trail returns to ground level. There are three short stretches where the walls have gone, and a couple of areas where they proceed without the trail, presumably for safety reasons. Then there are the gates, or bars: at one or two points steps descend on one side of a monumental gateway and go back up on the other side of the road. It’s a small price to pay, on reflection, but at the time it feels like an imposition.

Doubly so if you encounter traffic. The staircases are one-way without passing places, and that goes for sections of the wall trail as well. Here the girth not of the city but of the citizens comes into play. You will either have to give way or compress yourself against a battlement. Or, in favoured spots, there will be a bastion to retreat into and contemplate the world below.

River Ouse, York,
River Ouse: focal point of the modern city

The River Ouse on its way to a junction with the mighty Trent interrupts the circuit at two points and the River Foss at a third. How was security maintained at these points when the walls served a serious defensive purpose? In south-eastern York it looks as if castles were the answer. The one on the north bank remains, but the ‘Old Baile’ south of the river is no more than a mound now. Where the Ouse enters the city, the defences seem to have been towers: Lendal and Barker Towers facing each other across the river.

Topiary, animals, snail, duck, Edible Wood
Snail and, top left, duck in the shadow of the Art Gallery

Masonry is a recurrent feature of York’s attractions but there are gentler lines to appreciate. Animal shapes rendered in artificial turf turn up all over the city. Some are close to obvious tourist spots – outside the Castle Museum, for example – but others will take tracking down. Beyond the Edible Wood, itself an annex of Museum Gardens, you’ll find a snail and a duck. Who knows where the rest of the collection is to be found. Perhaps the tourist information office will be able to help, but from the online explanations it looks as if the project is fairly informal. Not all are animals, either: in Minster Yard, behind the Minster, people take pictures in front of the letters of York in man-sized green block capitals.

In the Yorkshire Museum, a section devoted to topiary would have had a snappy caption: The Grass Menagerie, perhaps. The museum delights in such things. A sequence on worship is headed ‘Northern Soul’, and of course there’s ‘Living in the Past’. This is unnecessary and quickly tiresome. Also, having done that kind of thing for a living for decades, I’d have to add that it does nothing for the copywriter’s soul.

Besides, when you’ve got the Rydale Hoard and the only British statue of a Roman emperor, what need have you of cute captions? Constantine the Great, the first emperor to embrace Christianity, was acclaimed emperor by the army at York (then Eboracum). He does not look like a man to be trifled with.

Elsewhere in Museum Gardens you’ll find plenty of scenic ruins. The Abbey of St Mary is perhaps the most atmospheric. At one time the abbey church would have counterbalanced the Minster, a couple of hundred yards away, but Henry VIII applied his own brand of dissolution and now only the walls of nave, crossing and cloisters remain.

Multangular Tower: a Museum Gardens highlight

A Roman structure called the Multangular Tower was a part of the legionary fortress. It has 10 sides and represents a missed opportunity, in my view. ‘Multangular’ is a clumsy designation, imprecise and apparently missing a vowel; they could have called it the Threepenny Tower, which would have been far more memorable. Granted, the pre-decimal threepenny bit had 12 sides, but who would know?

Down by the river is the Hospitium, associated with the Abbey but not too closely – it was where lay visitors were put up. Now it earns a living as a venue for weddings and other events. Between the Hospitium and the river, by the way, is the Dame Judi Dench Walk celebrating a famous daughter of York.

(Where glorious sons of York are concerned, you’ll notice many references to Richard III around the city. The dispute over where Crookback Dick belongs has long since been settled in favour of Leicester, but York continues to press its case.)

Opposite, at the top corner of Museum Gardens, is the Edible Wood. Planted in 2015, this is some way off maturity, but it’s already worth a look for the ingenuity of the planting. Visitors are asked to “take inspiration from the garden but leave the produce for everyone to enjoy”.

The Museum Gardens are without the city wall, so to speak. Likewise the Art Gallery, just to the north, and the National Railway Museum across the river. Most of the rest of York’s big set-piece attractions are within the walls and therefore just a short walk from each other.

York, railway, mural, Premier Inn
York railway station: something special

There’s too much in the Minster to do it all justice here. Don’t miss the stained glass and one of the most camp memorials – Grinling Gibbons’ rendering of a former archbishop – you’ll ever see.

Walking south through the famous, teeming Shambles will bring you to the Jorvik Viking Centre. According to the reviews on TripAdvisor it divides opinion. I didn’t go, and cannot express one.

Further south again is York Castle and the Castle Museum. The castle mound and tower survive, rising steeply on a promontory separating the Ouse and the Foss.  At their base is the Castle Museum, where another ne’er-do-well called Dick is recalled – Dick Turpin. The cells are just one distinct section: a visit to this museum involves sudden transitions between eras and topics. It is never dull.

York City 1 Oldham Athletic 1
LNER Community Stadium, 29 August 2022

Tottenham Hotspur Stadium

Tottenham Hotspur Stadium

Hard-core members of The 92 aim to keep their membership up-to-date. Aside from League 2’s annual intake, they also try to visit the new stadia that clubs continue to build and move into.

I go to Sutton, Hartlepool and the like for the sake of a day out, but I’ve never been too bothered about new grounds. The paperback version of Towns of Two Halves shamelessly records visits to Burnden Park, Highbury and Plough Lane among many other half-forgotten football venues. On this as on so many other subjects, I am (as Gore Vidal said of Thomas Jefferson’s relationship with truth) occasionally prone to it but never fanatical.

Tottenham Hotspur Stadium
View from the Broadcast Booth: the gods, in the language of theatre, or paradis in French

On the other hand, it seems negligent to go to the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium and not write some sort of report. It is, after all, one of the modern wonders of the football world.

Pros and cons, then. Or, in this case, a Con first:

Con
1) As at so many other top-flight football grounds, it is not easy for a casual admirer of good football to get a ticket. One way round this is to fork out for one of Spurs’ many hospitality packages. A related Con, then, is that my visit (on the ‘Broadcast Booth’ ticket) cost a small fortune. But this turned out to be a Pro, too.

Back, then, to the usual order:
Pros
1) Watching top-class football from a box in the gods, waited on hand and foot, in comfort and warmth – it’s a treat.
2) Booking online: the club website is clear enough in laying out the options.
3) The people who work in its marketing department are accessible and helpful.
4) On matchday, there are plenty of easily identified staff in attendance.
5) The views from the 9th floor, outward over London and inward over the pitch, are sensational.
6) The catering is lavish.
7) The waiting staff, Spurs Legends, managers and engineers are attentive, efficient and pleasant.

Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, Aston Villa
Far below, Spurs run the clock down to preserve a 2-1 lead over Aston Villa

Cons
1) Parking is not included in the package.
2) Tickets and itinerary were not provided until four days before the fixture.
3) Tickets are supplied digitally and must be downloaded (in the case of Android phone owners) to Google Pay. Yes, that’s the same Google that was massively hacked in January 2020. An independent YouTube video guide to Google Pay suggests that “if you’re at all concerned about entering your bank details, perhaps Google Pay isn’t for you”.
4) Nobody checked my Covid status at the stadium.
5) This is a winter game: coat hooks in the booths shouldn’t be too much to hope for.
6) Alcohol was not permitted in the booth while the match was in progress.
7) The screen in our booth showed the Aberdeen/Celtic match happily enough but we could coax no action replays of the game in front of us.

Overall, the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium is a remarkable and beautiful place. The quality of the game you see would almost be irrelevant. In my home town, there is a restored Art Deco cinema that is so gorgeous you could enjoy just sitting in it for the length of a film – Spurs’ new home is in that category.

Halifax

Halifax, Piece Market

When Latin was taught in schools, back in the Dark Ages, every schoolchild knew that Rome was founded by refugees from Troy. According to a vaguely related legend, one Brutus, great-grandson of the Trojan hero Aeneas, subsequently wandered into the North Atlantic and became the first king of Britain.

The legend is colourful nonsense. But there are still parts of this country where the sense of strangeness (from the French ‘étrange’, meaning ‘foreign’) is so strong and inexplicable that legend retains some appeal.

All of which is a long-winded way of saying that Halifax is an unexpectedly exotic and cosmopolitan town.

On a sunny afternoon you could easily imagine its Piece Hall in the Mediterranean or in some Roman province. It’s a large quadrangle bounded by two- and three-storey colonnades, backed by arched rooms in which worsted and woollen goods were traded. It opened in 1779 and was beautifully restored in 2017. Today it houses specialist shops, some historic displays, the information centre and places to eat and drink.

Halifax, Halifax Town Hall
‘After dark, parts of Halifax town centre – around the Town Hall (above) and the Borough Market especially – feel improbably French’
After dark, parts of Halifax town centre – around the Town Hall and the Borough Market especially – feel improbably French; it may be the lighting and lamp standards, the sandstone and style, the mansard roofs and turrets, an occasional tall, slim gable end, diners glimpsed through an aqueous window or the tolling of the hour on the Town Hall clock. Around the town the lights on the hillsides are a profoundly nostalgic sight.

Halifax, Dean Clough, viaducts, bridges
‘In other respects Halifax is thoroughly Yorkshire’
In other respects Halifax is thoroughly Yorkshire: a dark, culverted river; dramatic public buildings; old mills converted to contemporary purposes; a fine local industrial museum measuring the breadth of Halifax’s contribution to the Industrial Revolution; a lovely Minster with a feeling of great age, unusual even for a church; and Eureka!, the National Children’s Museum to which you aren’t admitted if you don’t have a child in tow.

The people were lovely too, by and large, though not in all cases with an unusual feeling of great age. It was a strange atmosphere: just two days later the Government tightened its advice on the coronavirus. Meanwhile people strolled around the Piece Hall, they went to pubs and restaurants and at 5.20pm they attended what would be the last professional football match for some time. The National League fixture at the Shay, between Halifax Town and Ebbsfleet United, kicked off at 5.20pm for the cameras. On public transport, in the street, indoors or at the Shay they gave each other space but were friendly and helpful.

Calderdale Industrial Museum, Halifax, museums, industrial history, Industrial Revolution, knitting machine
Calderdale Industrial Museum: still making Halifax great
At the Calderdale Industrial Museum, some of the volunteers must have been in the ‘vulnerable’ category but that wasn’t going to discourage them. Stationed around exhibits in the four-floor building, each was a mine of information (especially the gentleman in the mining section). Much of the equipment on display, though static, is impressive enough; but many machines still work and are eagerly demonstrated. At the automated sweet-wrapping device you’ll even be offered a sample of the product.

The museum celebrates the industrial history of the town in all its diversity: pottery, mining, engineering, machine tools, textiles, carpets, confectionery. It also records the contribution of individuals and, when I was there, specifically Laurie Annie Willson MBE. A suffragette, she was instrumental in getting women into the WWI war effort, pioneered works canteens and, after setting up her own electrical engineering company, she built quality homes for working people. Four of her estates are still part of Halifax’s housing stock.

Halifax, Halifax Minster, Gentleman Jack, BBC, Suranne Jones, Shibden Hall
‘A lovely Minster with a feeling of great age, unusual even for a church’
Another notable Halifax woman is remembered at the Minster. Anne Lister was the Gentleman Jack of the recent BBC series. She owned Shibden Hall, just outside Halifax, was an active local parishioner and her tombstone is in the Minster.

Dean Clough sounds like a junior offshoot of a footballing dynasty, until you consider the northern geographical meaning of ‘clough’ – a valley or ravine. Here, a collection of 19th century buildings and mills has been converted into offices, a shopping village, galleries and leisure spaces.

The galleries are a rabbit warren but the printed guide helps and it’s worth persevering. In a random corridor you’ll find a Hockney; above a staircase, Tom Wood’s portrait of the Prince of Wales; and in a room to itself, a sensational Lego model of the complex.

Halifax Town, Ebbsfleet United, Shay, Halifax, National League, lockdown
As close as Halifax came to an equaliser
I was in Halifax on a Saturday. By the following Tuesday a number of the places I visited were closed – the Industrial Museum, the Minster, the Shay – until further notice. This was football tourism to the finest of tolerances. On the day football closed down in England, then, 52 Ebbsfleet supporters made their way to Halifax and were rewarded with an away win. Some of the Halifax team played as if they were feeling under the weather.

FC Halifax Town 0 Ebbsfleet United 1
The Shay Stadium, 14 Mar 2020

Dover

‘Dover Western Docks was once one of the most romantic destinations on Britain’s railway network – your eventual destination was probably Paris’

Dover Western Docks was once one of the most romantic destinations on Britain’s railway network. To have a ticket to Dover Western Docks meant you were traveling on the boat-train; your eventual destination was probably Paris. If, like me, you were thrifty, you were probably traveling at dead of night into the bargain, which added to the romance. Theoretically, at least.

Before ever I made the trip I thought the boat-train somehow trundled from the pier right into the bowels of the cross-Channel ferry. It was a disappointment, then, to have to disembark at a cold, dark, anonymous railway terminal and walk the last couple of hundred yards. Any remaining shreds of romance were irrevocably whisked away on to the chill night breeze by the state of the vessel at dead of night. Squalor is the word that comes to mind. And yet when I think of that first trip the chief memory is of Ilse and the sense of romance returns refulgently.

Dover Priory railway station, trains, public transport, renovation
‘It was hard to be sure whether they were knocking down Dover Priory station or renovating it’

The last train arrived at Dover Western Docks in 1994. The listed station building remains on Admiralty Pier but the lines are long gone. Trains to Dover now deliver you to Dover Priory station, which sounds an acceptably historic alternative. Don’t get your hopes up.

In March 2020 it was hard to be sure whether they were knocking down Dover Priory station or renovating it. Perhaps they plan a future diametrically opposed to the fate of Western Docks – the rails will stay but the station will disappear. Either way, any romance or sense of history attached to this element of your visit will depend entirely on how you feel about your companion.

One final announcement from Platform 1. In March 2020 the UK, as elsewhere, was trying to keep Covid-19, the coronavirus, under control. The official advice was for us to wash our hands, long and often, with soap and hot water. The Gents at Dover Priory had neither soap nor hot water. This comment is not aimed at the station management; I mention it to illustrate a common British inability to match ideals with the daily reality experienced by most of the citizenry.

Dover Castle, Castle Street, Dover, lamp-post, flower basket, brooding, hill
‘If Dover were a golf course, you’d splash out on a buggy. Castle Street, encouragingly flat for the first hundred yards or so, soon takes a turn for the worse’

If Dover were a golf course, you’d splash out on a buggy. The flatlands of the town centre don’t require it, and here you will save further money by finding the Transport Museum and the Roman Painted House closed through the winter and Dover Museum is free. But up the hill to the west are the Western Heights and associated redoubts, plus the Templar Church. Up another hill to the east is Dover Castle. Even the football ground, at Crabble, is up a slope that would be regarded in most towns as challenging.

Dover, Dover Castle, hillside, fortifications
‘Experienced travelers will think nostalgically of European cities like Ljubljana and Salzburg, where castles are served by funiculars’

From the railway station, the hill closest takes you up to the Western Heights. The fortifications here are from the Napoleonic Wars originally. “The exterior and moat can be viewed daily during any reasonable daylight hours,” says English Heritage. As for the rest, then, you’d have to be lucky about the date of your visit.

Dover, Western Heights, Napoleonic Wars, English Heritage
Western Heights: ‘The fortifications here are from the Napoleonic Wars originally. “The exterior and moat can be viewed daily during any reasonable daylight hours,” says English Heritage’

It may nonetheless be worth trekking up there. For one thing, it will warm you up for the walk to the castle later. For another, it gives you fine views across the town, harbour and, indeed, the English Channel. Dover Castle is at a similar altitude on the other side of the town but unfortunately the photo opportunity is compromised from some angles by a pair of masts rising out of the landscape beyond.

Alternatively, if you turn left out of the station you’re into the town centre very quickly. Here you will find Dover Museum.

Bronze Age, ancient boat, oldest seagoing boat known, 3,500yrs, Dover, Dover Museum
‘The “oldest sea-going vessel known” may be 3,500yrs-old. It was apparently built of hollowed-out trunks strapped together. At intervals along the length of the base are what look strangely like the wheel-arches of a small car’

The Dover Museum has galleries on three storeys, one of which was closed when I was there, for an exhibition to be set up. No matter; the remainder was excellent. They soften you up with attractive displays of Dover through the ages, including an especially effective room devoted to the town’s military history. This included a sequence of seven or eight chronological models and, suspended from the ceiling, a V1 flying bomb. Not as obvious but worth equal attention is a portrait of Elizabeth I painted in about 1598 and displayed in Dover Town Hall during her reign.

And then we come to the pièce de résistance, the Bronze Age boat which merits its own gallery. This is fairly dark. If you have reactolite spectacles you may need to give them a few minutes to calm down.

The boat is apparently the “oldest sea-going vessel known”. It may be 3,500yrs-old. Laid out behind perspex in the middle of the room, it was apparently built of hollowed-out trunks strapped together. At intervals along the length of the base are what look strangely like the wheel-arches of a small car. At either end there are obviously bits missing, but most of it is astonishingly complete. Around the sides of the gallery, related exhibits and explanations complement the vessel perfectly.

From there, it is no great distance to Dover Castle. But Castle Street, encouragingly flat for the first hundred yards or so, soon takes a turn for the worse. Experienced travellers will think nostalgically of European cities like Ljubljana and Salzburg, where castles are served by funiculars. Press on. It’s worth it, even at £20.90 a pop.

Dover, Dover Castle, spiral staircase, stonework, fortifications, keep
‘You could probably spend most of a day at Dover Castle. It covers an enormous area and has several set-piece attractions from various eras’

You could probably spend most of a day at Dover Castle. It covers an enormous area and has several set-piece attractions from various eras. The castle itself includes a keep with rooms presented as period halls, kitchens, bedrooms and so forth, and with access to the roof with wonderful views. Around the keep’s courtyard is a museum devoted to the Princess of Wales’ Royal Regiment and The Queen’s Regiment and these help to maintain a sense of chronology. And that’s not easy, partly because the eras rub shoulders with each other on a large scale – a Roman lighthouse alongside a Saxon church – and in the general feel of the place, with WW2 artillery pieces in one direction, a trebuchet and cannon in another. Some of the more prosaic buildings are equally intriguing, from barracks to holiday accommodation.

The Naafi Restaurant attached to the castle was closed for refurbishment. English Heritage broke that lamentable news in a peculiarly jolly-hockeysticks fashion. “We’re excited to announce that major work has begun to improve our catering facilities.” So I looked for lunch down the hill and wandered at random into the White Horse on St James St. It was an inspired choice.

When a pub is busy and you have a deadline – 3pm in my case – it helps for the staff to warn you that you might wait 40mins for food. But when they realised I was a party of one (no-one Ilse on this visit) they accommodated me and fed me promptly and well.

White Horse, St James Street, Dover, Channel swimmers, mementoes
‘The White Horse on St James St: an inspired choice. All over the walls, ceiling and doors are notes left as in a Visitor’s Book but in this case by Channel swimmers’

The pub itself is extraordinary. All over the walls, ceiling and doors are notes left as in a Visitor’s Book but in this case by Channel swimmers. A typically matter-of-fact entry, on the back of the main door, reads: “Cedric Bird, Jersey, E-F 13/9/08 11hrs 46mins For Charlie & Hannah”. Some include an inspirational message: “Life dream is now a reality. Chase your dream!” Many immortalise the support crew. One or two are illustrated, especially with flags. And there is humour: “For Lil and George, It Was Only One Length! Rebecca Simmons, First Guern! 19-9-09 11-4.3”

London Road is down-at-heel, enlivened by some notable architecture. The shabbiness increases with distance from the centre. Or, to be more generous, the grandeur fades. The Royal Victoria Hospital and its annex are still pretty grand. But Kings Hall, described by the estate agent trying hard to drum up interest as “an impressive and attractive theatre hall”, is startling. Certainly, very few English towns are too grand for a bit of Romanesque frontage and a pair of Doric columns, but painted yellow, white and sage green? A little further along is Jasper House, built I believe in 1954 as a Working Men’s Club. Is this very late Art Deco or early retro?

I realised too late that I had been walking parallel to the River Dour, and that it might have been possible to walk alongside it rather than beside a busy road. On the other hand its name doesn’t inspire visions of sylvan tranquillity. In the long run, it supplies the adjective that my memory will attach to the fixture at Crabble that afternoon.

Dover, Dover Athletic, Crabble, Yeovil Town
‘Even the football ground, at Crabble, is up a slope that would be regarded in most towns as challenging’

‘Confident’ is the word for a football club that prints the its name in type no bigger than 8½pt on the front of its match-day programme, relying instead on the initials COYW as a masthead. Come on you whites… and with cliffs that colour, what else would Dover Athletic play in?

Dover Athletic 0 Yeovil Town 1
Crabble Stadium, 7 March 2020

Barrow

Barrow, Walney Island, Barrow-in-Furness, windfarm, wind turbine, sunset, BarrowAFC, Bromley
“Along Central Drive, the Irish Sea soon fills the skyline. The horizon looks as if it is ring-fenced by turbines”

Barrow people must be heartily sick of seeing their town stereotyped. A couple of days before my visit Barrow happened to appear on the ITV News. The reporter was flogging a ‘Death of the High Street’ horse. Boarded-up premises and proprietors with stiff upper lips were prominent. If ITV found anything attractive to point their cameras at, the editors chose not to show it.

Barrow, Walney Island, Barrow-in-Furness, BarrowAFC, Bromley, Lake District, sea
“On the natural skyline, brooding promontories slope down to the sea”
Barrow, Barrow-in-Furness, BarrowAFC, Bromley, Barrow Town Hall, sunrise
Barrow Town Hall: “Above the town’s streets, dramatic Victorian towers and spires soar”

Where might they have looked? The snowy uplands of the Lake District, perhaps. Or the Walney Island seashore, barely 20mins walk from the town centre. To get there they’d have passed the Dock Museum and crossed a bridge with views Constable might have painted, in either direction. On the natural skyline, brooding promontories slope down to the sea; above the town’s streets, dramatic Victorian towers and spires soar.

Barrow, Barrow-in-Furness, BarrowAFC, Bromley, Devonshire Dock Hall, Abbey Road, boulevard, Baron Haussmann
“A number of the thoroughfares are so wide you’d wonder whether Baron Haussmann did some moonlighting here.” In the background, Devonshire Dock Hall: “the six-pack on steroids that butts into the town’s southern horizon like a theatre flat”

Barrow is a town of sweeping vistas and unexpected panoramas. In part this is a result of Victorian town-planning. The town centre’s grid system carries the eye down otherwise ordinary streets to horizons improbable distances away. A number of the principle thoroughfares are so wide you’d wonder whether Baron Haussmann did some moonlighting here. They tend to flow into each other at elaborately decorative roundabouts.

One such boulevard is Holker Street, which older readers will recognise as identifying Barrow AFC’s ground in days of yore. Holker Street runs from the railway station to the Progression Solicitors Stadium and has pavements that must be 10 or 12ft wide. If these are not the widest pavements expediting the movement of large numbers of people to or from an English football ground, I’d be very surprised. (As if to compensate, the Wilkie Road pavement running along the north side of the ground is so narrow you’re more or less obliged to jaywalk.)

Barrow is also a town of unexpected squares, many of them given over to car-parks. During the last war the German bomb-aimers were notoriously inaccurate, hitting the town as often as the docks; if these squares are the result at least some good came of it. Even where there are cars there are generally also encircling trees. In the absence of cars, you’ll find grass and an occasional memorial, often complemented by statuary, plaques or other features. Barrow is a town of oddly shaped benches: some commemorative, some sponsored, some just expressive of a bench-maker’s joie de vivre.

The statues also vary. In the middle of roundabouts and outside the magnificent town hall there are conventional frock-coated Victorians. Elsewhere monuments of different characters recall Barrow’s industrial, nautical and sporting past. Emlyn Hughes is one of the first you’ll encounter if you arrive by train.

Barrow, Barrow-in-Furness, BarrowAFC, Bromley, Spirit of Barrow, public art, sculpture
The Spirit of Barrow: “From some angles the four shipyard workers have a Soviet-era look…”

In the centre of the shopping district a bronze grouping called The Spirit of Barrow is particularly wonderful. From some angles the four large shipyard workers have a Soviet-era look, and the words ‘Courage’, ‘Labour, ‘Skill’ and ‘Progress’ around the base reinforce that. But the quartet suggests Pride in and Affection for the town and it lifts the spirits.

There’s more Barrovian baroque at the Dock Museum. This occupies an old dry dock close to the Walney Island bridge. On the day I visited, the Significant Form exhibition of the South Lakes Art Collective opened in the atmospheric space at the lower level of the dock. Above, there are displays celebrating Barrow’s history – natural and industrial. Not surprisingly, the models of vessels built in Barrow are sensational (and in the case of one submarine in particular, quite chilling). Equally sensational and not at all chilling was the flapjack in the museum café.

Barrow, Barrow-in-Furness, BarrowAFC, Bromley, Sir James Ramsden, facial hair, mutton-chops, benefactor
Sir James Ramsden: credited with bringing industry and prosperity to Barrow. “He also brought the most remarkable pair of mutton-chops.”

Notable buildings (aside from the Town Hall) include the one now occupied by the Citizens Advice Bureau. This was formerly the bath-house presented to the town in 1872 by Sir James Ramsden, the town’s first mayor and the man most regularly credited with bringing industry and prosperity to it. He also brought the most remarkable pair of mutton-chops.

Next door on Abbey Road is the Nan Tait Centre, now an arts centre but originally in 1900 Barrow’s Technical School. Redbrick, terracotta and vast panels representing Ars Longa Vita Brevis and Labor Omnia Vincit – what more could you want?

Devonshire Dock Hall sounds as if it could be another Victorian palais, perhaps where Music Hall breathed its last in 1914. It is, certainly, one of the most prominent buildings in the town: it’s the six-pack on steroids that butts into the town’s southern horizon like a theatre flat. Occupied by BAE Systems, it is an indoor shipbuilding complex.

The sea-front is well worth a detour. Apart from anything else it’s a pleasant walk (or a short bus ride). It takes you through Vickerstown, a UK example of a phenomenon more common – and notorious – in the USA: the company town. The provision of housing for employees sounds enlightened but it could equally represent self-interest as companies sought to discourage unionisation, offset wage rises by rent increases etc.

Along Central Drive, the Irish Sea soon fills the skyline. The horizon looks as if it is ring-fenced by turbines: what you’re looking at is the Walney Wind Farm, the largest offshore wind farm in the world according to the BBC. Opinion will vary about whether it’s unsightly: I’d say No, and I’d offer in support the decision of ITV not to show it. The turbines are far enough away to be matchstick figures on the horizon and you could make a case for them providing points of interest in the view.

Barrow, Barrow-in-Furness, BarrowAFC, Bromley, Morecambe Bay, Lake District, Furness Line, railway
To the east is Morecambe Bay: go by train along the scenic Furness Line

The beach here is of pebbles. I’m told you’ll find sand further along the front in both directions; behind Walney there are mud-flats and to the east is Morecambe Bay. In other words, the variety of marine environments is wide. And in the background is the Lake District. It’s quite a place.

* While I was taking a photograph of The Spirit of Barrow, a couple of buskers offered a spirited version of Wish You Were Here. I happily made a donation but I was less sure about the sentiment. Did I wish You were here? If I’d invited You to Barrow, in January, You might think the magic had gone. But I was guilty of the stereotyping decried at the top of this piece. I withdraw the remark and apologise. Don’t let anything discourage you from going to see Barrow, at any time of year – and go by train.

Barrow 2 Bromley 0
Progression Solicitors Stadium, 18 January 2020

Woking

Woking Lightbox sculpture Kitty Canal Cruises art Basingstoke Canal
Lightbox moment: a weathered bull watches the canal cruise boat preparing to disembark

Visiting supporters who approach Woking from the M25 are directed by road signs towards the carpark at Heathside. Why? Who knows. Heathside is not close to the ground. Nor is it particularly convenient for the town centre. Perhaps for these reasons (and if my experience of Heathside on a matchday Saturday is anything to go by) you’ll have a wide choice of parking bays.

Price may be another factor that puts parkers off Heathside. If you arrive early enough for a cursory tour of Woking before the game, you may be in the carpark six or seven hours. That would be £10. And the Pay & Display machines don’t take cards or notes. Another dubious point in Heathside’s favour, then – if you arrive with pockets full of cash you’ll leave a great deal lighter.

I hedged my bets with £4.20 for up to three hours. False economy, I know, but that left options open: at around 2.15pm I could top-up and walk to the ground, or I could take the car and look for somewhere closer to Kingfield Stadium, home of the Cards (short for Cardinals).

Basingstoke Canal, River Wey Navigation, Kitty Canal Cruises
The Basingstoke Canal: reopened in 1991 after a 25-year restoration project

Woking was being rebuilt that day. The many cranes stood idle, peering into the town like paralysed insects. Hoardings lined walkways, and low-level plastic barriers helped pedestrians to avoid blundering into roadworks. If, discouraged and disorientated, you headed north reckoning to find the Basingstoke Canal crossing your path, you wouldn’t go far wrong.

It’s a green and shady corridor and it will lead you to Woking’s better side. The canal was formally reopened in 1991 after a 25-year restoration project. For a restful 1¼hrs, a cruise from the town wharf is an attractive prospect.

Sir Alec Bedser, Woking, Bedser Bridge, Basingstoke Canal
Sir Alec Bedser: opening the bowling from the Town End

The canal is crossed at the wharf by a footbridge dedicated to the legendary Bedser twins. They grew up in Woking and their statues stand at either end of the bridge: Alec bowling, at the Town End, and Eric batting a little over 22yds away. The borough council offices are fielding at long-on and halfway up the wall is a sculpted cricket ball, as though hit for six.

Eric Bedser, Woking, Bedser Bridge, Basingstoke Canal
Eric Bedser: looks to me as if he’s clipped it over midwicket…

Statuary and street art is a Woking speciality. The town’s association with HG Wells provides several instances. Wells lived here while he was producing The War of the Worlds. A dramatic Martian tripod dominates a small crossroads that glories in the name Crown Square, and nearby a space-travelling cylinder is embedded in the pavement. The canal cruises go past Horsell Common, featured in the book as the site of the first Martian landing. A statue of Wells himself, holding (and surrounded by) references to his work though not notably melancholic, sits outside the town’s Victoria Gate, on the Woking Heritage Trail.

Woking Borough Council, Woking, Bedser Bridge
… but the ball is picked up over long-on by the Woking Borough Council offices

Not all the town’s public art is as straightforward. ‘The Space Between’, celebrating The Jam, is mystifyingly modern – three tall chunks of timber. In the Wolsey Place shopping mall three willow-bound cyclists ride across metal waves that may represent hills or the roof of the Sydney Opera House. Painted bronze statues by Sean Henry, born in Woking, lurk around the town standing, seated and reclining.

Formal art provision is in a building called the Lightbox, close to Bedser Bridge. The architects, Marks Barfield, were also responsible for Brighton’s i360 tower – well, we all have our off days. The Lightbox grants free entry to a museum called ‘Woking’s Story’, to a gallery named for the Art Fund Prize, sculpture, second-hand books, a good shop and a very good café. Upstairs, galleries and special exhibitions cost £7.50. The main attraction on my visit was ‘Burning Bright: the Scottish Colourists’. If £7.50 sounds steep for a provincial art gallery, consider: a few hours in a carpark, or the opportunity to spend as long as you like in front of JD Fergusson’s Villa Gotte Garden?

War of the Worlds, HG Wells, Martian, Woking, Ebbsfleet United
‘A dramatic Martian tripod dominates a small crossroads’

Woking’s Story, it transpires, involves a surprising amount of spirituality. The town has the 1889 Shah Jehan Mosque, the first mosque to be built in northern Europe.

To the west of Woking is Brookwood Cemetery, the largest cemetery in western Europe and, indeed, in the world when it opened in 1854. Until 1941 it was served by a rail service known as the Coffin Express, running on the Necropolis Line from Waterloo. According to one story, golfers used the service to get to Brookwood Golf Club but had to wear mourning; since golfers are notorious for their lack of fashion sense, that can only have been an improvement. The 220 hectares are used by Woking people as an extended and presumably rather poignant park on their doorstep. Brookwood Military Cemetery, the last resting place of Commonwealth and allied victims of two world wars, lies adjacent.

A little way east of town, on the other side of the M25, is Brooklands Museum. If you were to take this in as well you might need to set aside a weekend. Motorsport, aviation and latterly Concorde are all associated with Brooklands. In 2018 it was one of the five nominees for Art Fund Museum of the Year, beaten eventually by Tate St Ives.

Woking 2 Ebbsfleet United 2
Kingfield Stadium, 14 Sep 2019